Years Later

I've been trying to tally up the years since my last post...so let's do this together. I graduated highschool in 09'...I didn't post much after that and now 2015...6 years later...a few things have changed. I didn't post in that time for many reasons...lack of content/ideas, lack of passion, lack of many things! I had lost that insane courage to post what I was really thinking. I mean...not many people read this, but its still public! That is extremely disconcerting. So lets explore a few things (keep in mind, I'm exploring this too with extreme curiosity even though I'm the one writing it. In a sense let's explore together). Keep in mind, I'm laughing at my ( ) commentary. Why am I choosing to write now? Years later? I'm not sure...I was in my room thinking as I was changing and getting ready for bed. I missed writing on this blog and flushing the thoughts out. How much time had I spent inside my head? To much! Only...I considered my thoughts irrelevant. I love writing...I seeing my thoughts organized and leading somewhere. I do not like just sitting there, thinking, bathing in my thoughts and going nowhere. (I'm still laughing at my "lets explore together" line that seemed like it was something out of "Cosmos" and I'm speaking as Neil Degrasse Tyson). It isn't like that, but please understand that I'm very curious where this post will lead to.) What made me write again? I'm wondering, "where am I going in life?" THAT IS WHY! I think this everyday, and so many of us do. I'll answer this quickly and un-creatively..I have no frickin idea!! BUT, I'm excited. Very excited...In a terrified way, I guess. I'm only 24, and not nearly as clever as I thought that I was when I was 18. So much has changed since then! I'll go into that some other time when it adds to my post, but not now. Right now, I'm thinking about what is relevant. What is relevant right now? My purpose? The Post. Here is what frustrates me...and please, please, no one take this personally. I'm going to go more into my personal feelings about myself than others here, so please understand that. I've wanted to walk through life thinking that I'm special...that I'll be successful as long as I "stay the path", whatever that path is. My path is my own, it is not for others to walk. If others walked my path, they would still end up in their own as they would make decisions, unique to them. Thus following their own path. WOW, there it is, I'm sounding like my old writing self. This is getting exciting. What I mean by my own unique path, is that, I didn't lack the belief in myself. Sometimes, I lose confidence. Sometimes, I lose faith. Sometimes, I lose momentum. However, I do not lose hope, and I do not lose belief in myself...my future self at-least. I guess, I trust in what I will become. I'll get there...eventually. This isn't an excuse to make mistakes now, no, it is way too late for that! It is an excuse to adventure into what I like, or what I feel. I feel like being Charlemagne, but what do I believe in? I want to be Sun Tzu, but I don't hold that much knowledge! We do not all, no matter what we are told, get to be these people. I'm going to say it, we - at least I - was told that I would have a chance to be that influential in this world. True in it's own way... But I'm just Andrew, and it is 2015. There is so much knowledge now. There isn't some small revolution going on in Frisco, TX...or in Dallas now since I moved here. So I'm going to grow in that! Just because I don't have this huge battle to wage, or worldwide difference to make...I know that my part is just as big as anyone else's. I take comfort in that...so why not write? Someone else must may make more sense out of what I'm writing, and thats the hope here! In Fight Club...I feel like I've referenced this a lot...There is a reference when Tyler Durden (Brad Pitts character and if you haven't seen the movie, turn back now because SPOILERS AHEAD) explains to Edward Norton that he IS crazy, but he just had the confidence to run with it. Now that is a crazy thought...he ran with what he believed. How many times have I not done that? I mean, the times that I did have lead to great things! So what have I missed? I'm not sure, but its okay. There is so much more to find. The Point. I'm not sure...sorry. There is a lot to get out here. But maybe I'll find some purpose in this last paragraph. Be brave...its scary, but it feels so good when you are. Have you ever looked back on something that you did that was CRAZY in your own sense? The effects are wild, and you couldn't have made it unless you were crazy for those 30 seconds or hours or days. Be smart!! So many of us don't think that we are smart...we throw ourselves into this pit below the names of Sun Tzu, Tolstoy, Shakespeare, Pinkerton, etc...and we aren't meant to be them!! We are smarter than them in our own ways. Being unique has its own special ability, in that you come to your own conclusions due to you being YOU. Influences...feelings...thoughts...endless factors come into play here for a single massive equation that I can't measure. If you can, please do, I promise that you will mis-calculate something. Whatever you are doing, try to understand your purpose in it. You cannot truly love others, believe in others, hope in others, if you do not in yourself. Does that make sense? Be selfish in that sense...sometimes, and most times, it is more important to love, believe, and hope in yourself FIRST. Then understand those feelings, and do so in others. I hope you understand that. I've been thinking that lately, and realized the consequences of trying to love, believe, and hope in others when you can't do so in yourself. I guess that is the point that I want you to take away from these paragraphs that you dealt with. Don't use someone else to define you, or figure yourself out, before you understand yourself first. That was a confusing sentence! I think you can figure it out though.